Bullying
Bullying usually starts in the first few weeks of school and, if left unchecked, can quickly escalate.
Parents may be at a loss at how to approach their child if they suspect they are involved in a bullying situation – whether they are the target or the bully. The good news is there are proven methods and bully-proofing strategies parents can learn and practice with their children to help them better deal with difficult situations and feel safer in school.
Remember to always encourage healthy friendships, give your child opportunities to feel confident and competent, and help him/her to discover and develop their talents and skills.
Develop a Personal Safety Plan with Your Child
What do you say to a child who is showing signs of being bullied? It depends largely on their age but always start by listening. Ask what you can do to help. Stay calm and empathize. Share your own past experiences. Keep it in perspective. Take what your child says seriously and do not overreact. Say nothing to escalate their fears.
Assure your child that you take their concerns seriously and will work with them to help them develop a plan so they can feel safe in school and get home safely. The plan should:
1. With guidance from your child’s school, Identify school personnel that can assist.
2. Determine where the bullying took place and list alternative locations they can go to such as the guidance counselor’s office (some schools may already provide options to recess).
3. Identify their friends and encourage them to travel in groups (there is strength in numbers).
4. Keep the lines of communication open with the school and your child.
Practice Self-Protective Strategies with Your Child
For many schoolchildren, the lessons learned through CAPS classroom prevention programs become their first line of defense against bullying. Our presenters guide students towards positive, healthy interactions, and frank communication about teasing and bullying. CAPS’ Steer Clear of Bullies program teaches grade 3 and 4 students the acronym “STEER CLEAR”—the steps they can take if approached by a bully:
- Stick up for one another
- Travel in a group
- Empathize
- Explore your choices
- Resist using fists
- Calm down
- Leave
- Enlist the help of others
- Assert yourself
- Report incidents
What to do if your child is behaving like a bully:
•Stay calm. Do not become angry or defensive
•Talk with your child’s teacher and work with the school to modify your child’s behavior
•Don’t resort to physical punishment
•Reassure your child you still love him/her; it is the bullying behavior you do not like
•Remember: you are a role model
Ask your child:
•What happened?
•What were you trying to accomplish?
•How do you think the other person felt?
•What could you do differently next time?
•How will you make amends?
Read through our FAQ for parents below for other tips on how to help your child. If your child is angry a lot of the time, help them to control their anger. Consider seeking help. Your child’s doctor, school social worker and/or a licensed professional mental health counselor can help you and your child address the bullying behaviors and the underlying issues causing them.
Relational Aggression
Your child’s best friends suddenly cut them off from the group and they did so in a way that was humiliating and cruel and won’t even tell your child why. This complicated phenomenon—known as relational aggression—is behavior that is meant to hurt someone by manipulating their relationships with other people. This can be nonverbal, verbal, or physical. It can include building alliances (getting other people to join in on the bullying), teasing, put-downs, spreading rumors and gossip and cyber-bullying.
Whether your child is the target of relational aggression – or acting as the aggressor – living through the experience can be upsetting and challenging for both parents and their children. Read through our FAQ for parents below for more tips on how to help your child.
Internet Safety
The greatest risks to your child on the Internet and their cell phone come from people they know and not strangers.
If you discover that your child is being cyber-bullied, stay calm. Listen. Do not overreact. If you immediately “unplug” their connection to their friends and community, you run the risk of them never approaching you again when problems arise. Ask them what they would like to see happen and work together to accomplish this.
Some options for you and your child:
•Block the sender, save the evidence, report to provider.
•If the problem continues, you might try to notify the sender/sender’s parents that “authorities will be contacted if it continues.”
•If the cyberbullying reaches the point of defamation, invasion of privacy, harassment or threats, you may consider contacting an attorney or the police.
One of the best things parents can do for a child in trouble online is to help remove them from the drama and detach temporarily from their peers. The distance can help them gain perspective and give you time to determine the best way to help your child deal with the crisis. Suggest and plan something that will distract them and that they can relax with and enjoy – a movie, family outing, game – you know best what this might be (anything but cell phones and computers).
Read through our FAQ for parents below for other tips on how to help your child stay safe online.
FAQ for Parents:
Bullying
Doesn’t my kid have a right to defend themselves if they are being physically bullied?
Children should defend themselves, but this does not necessarily mean in the form of physical aggression. Those who fight run the risk of paying a serious price – even if it is in self-defense or retaliation. Most schools have a “zero tolerance” policy for physical aggression and suspension is the usual punishment (regardless of the circumstances). Second, in regards to personal danger: the aggressor may use a weapon, or gather reinforcements to gang up on the child after school.
I’ve tried to talk to the school, but nothing happens.
If you want to approach your child’s school, make an appointment with the teacher. Gather any information/evidence you have. When you arrive, you should be calm and assertive.
Ask about:
•The classroom/school policy and programming regarding bullying
•Are there clear and consistent consequences for this behavior?
•Is there built-in support for kids involved in bullying incidents?
•Has the teacher noticed anything in the classroom?
•Does your child appear to have any friends in the classroom or on the playground?
Formulate a plan, and make an appointment for your next meeting on this matter. The plan might include:
•Establishing a safe place/person for your child to go to
•Pairing your child with peers who are friendly and helpful
Internet Safety
How do I explain to my child that they shouldn’t be posting personal stuff on line?
Just saying “don’t give out personal information online” is not an effective rule. Kids need to learn which information is ok to share (personal interest info) and which is not (personal contact and financial info, intimate personal info, reputation-damaging material.) COPPA, the Children’s Online Privacy Act, protects the privacy of children under 13 by requiring parental consent for collection of personal information over the Internet. Unfortunately, this does not prevent children under 13 and/or their parents from lying about their age in order to join social networking/gaming sites or making purchases on line.
How do I know if my child is at risk for having problems on line?
Some of the signs of a child being high risk on line include:
•He or she is high risk off line; seeks acceptance/attention from others
•is more vulnerable to manipulation by others
•tends to be less resourceful or resilient in getting out of difficult situations
•reacts in a volatile, extreme way to negative interactions
•is unlikely to ask for or rely on you and/or other adults for assistance
How do I know when it’s time to step in?
Each family must decide on the rules that fit and work for them; but here are some of the red flags to watch for which might indicate a need for adult guidance and perspective:
They
•click away from the page they’re on every time you walk by
•are always upset after they use their phone or computer
•are experiencing bullying issues at school
•are constantly looking at their cell phone/texting
•even sleep with their phone
Relational Aggression
How am I supposed to compete with the popular media culture for my child’s respect and attention?
Ultimately, caregivers are extremely important influences in their childs preteen and early teen years. When asked who their role model is, most children name a mother, a father, a cousin or an aunt. Even though it may not always show, kids at this age still see their parents and other close mentors as major resources for information and emotional support. You have the power and ability to help put into perspective these powerful media messages.
I don’t think my child is being mean but they seems so scared to speak up when someone else is. Isn’t that just as bad?
What you are describing is bystander behavior which is very common. In fact, the majority of kids are bystanders – witnesses to incidents and behaviors they know are wrong, but go along with anyway. There are a few possible reasons for this willingness to stand by or even sometimes participate. One of these stems from a strong developmental need to be in a group. Another may be because they are afraid if they doesn’t go along with it, they might be the next target in line. But your child has some options. They just might need to hear them so they can make a choice about what they want to do. For example:
•Simply not participate – walk away from the situation.
•Speak up on behalf of the person who is being targeted. Chances are that there are lots of kids who would welcome the opportunity to follow their lead, rather than that of the mean person.
•Offer to sit with the target at the lunch table.
•Tell the target that what’s happening is really unfair. A little kindness and empathy can go a long way for all involved.
My child is being bullied by a group. How do I help without making the situation worse?
A parent who is angry and hurt will often end up making things worse. Listen to your child, with focus and without judgment. Accept their need to be in a group. Ask them how you can help. Share your own experiences, past and present. In retrospect, children who have been targets list some things that have helped them:
•get advice from neutral others (cousins, sisters, etc.)
•expand their circle of friends/activities
•spend time with “safe” people
Child Abuse and Child Safety
How do I talk to my child about abuse?
It is important to talk about personal safety rules just as you would talk about any other rule. In doing so your child will view the information in a matter of fact way. Find a comfortable time and place to talk. Remember this is not a one time process and needs to be repeated frequently. Young children can begin to use their instincts to trust and follow their “gut feelings.” Encourage your child to trust his feelings and apply personal safety rules in situations where they feels uncomfortable or unsafe. Most often sexual abuse involves someone the child knows; it is important that your child understands that it is the behavior and/or the situation that is wrong regardless of who the person is and where they are.
What do I do if my child says he’s been abused?
If your child discloses that she has been approached or has actually been abused physically, emotionally or sexually by an older child or adult, let your child know you believe them. It is extremely important to tell them that it is not their fault. It is never the child’s fault; the responsibility for such acts lies with the perpetrator. Let your child know that if they are in a situation that makes them feel unsafe you want them to tell you. You may respond by saying: “It is not your fault. I’m glad you told me, I believe you, and I will help you.”
There is help out there for children. Contact your local mental health agency for guidance and referrals. If this is a case of reportable child abuse, contact the hotline in your state or your local police.
